Friday, September 29, 2006


Sometimes people seem to change their behaviour and ultimately their perceived personalities, for better or for worse. I've been wondering what our true personalities are. Or if there's such a thing in the first place.

Changing means a decision on one's part to do so. One can't change if one decides that that wasn't the way he/she should behave. So the fact that one had decided to change should mean that his or her "true" personality was predisposed to such behaviour.

But it could also be argued that the change comes from the external environment. The circumstances could have been the factor. Although it is a little romantic to think that we are nothing but a collection of experiences, it is hardly the case. I can't reconcile the fact that under the same circumstances, there are often different behavioural responses from people. The circumstances simply don't explain everything.

I realised that, when it comes to myself, previously undesirable behaviour are now at times, acceptable. I even amaze myself at the stuff I say when I don't care a shit about others. How much of an effect did nurture and nature had on my personality and everyone else's?

If I was all nurture, then I must have received some serious brainwashing to have started changing for the worse. If I was born this way, although I would feel less guilty about my lack of resistance to the change, I would still be innately evil. Sucks either way.

Does anyone knows who he or she truly is? Pardon the cliche - change seems to be the only constant.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006


Schoolwork and fencing have been keeping me busy since the start of the semester. Somehow I invariably have work outstanding all the time even though I think I'm spending more time on my schoolwork.

I'm glad there's a break now. It gives me time to stop and take account of my situation. And to think about the ultimate question in my life right now - "What the hell do you wanna do with your life?"

Chances are, I'm sticking along with whichever road I'm on. But I hate feeling out of control. Am I here because this was my preferred choice or just that backtracking will cost me too much?

Why do I weigh benefits and costs like the rational man in economic theory? I feel the need to be irrational.